Weird but Healthy: the Addams Family as Relationship Goals

The Addams Family has been a classic TV family for decades, and for good reason. Their strange sense of aesthetics and humor give us something to laugh at, while their genuine love for each other gives us something to aspire to. Strikingly, parents Gomez and Morticia don't have the dysfunctional dynamic many couples in the media do. Despite the stress and conflict they face, their relationship remains solid. So, how can we have relationships like Gomez and Morticia?

Dr. John Gottman is known for his studies on healthy relationships. He and his wife Julie have together created The Gottman Institute for teaching couples therapists how to turn the results of their research into real change for clients. One such tool is called the Sound Relationship House. The idea is simple: a secure partnership has a strong foundation, weight-bearing walls, and levels that the couple can build upon, much like a house. If we examine the structure of it, we can see that Gomez and Morticia have built these principles in how they live and love. Creepy and kooky as they are, the Addams' relationship house is a sound one.

"Gomez, last night, you were unhinged. You were like some desperate, howling demon. You frightened me. Do it again."

The foundation of the house is building love maps. Gottman uses love map to indicate one's inner world, and it's important to know these things about your partner. Likes, dislikes, passions, these are often the first thing you develop in a relationship as you get to know each other. Morticia knows that when Gomez is playing with his trains, it's because he's upset. Gomez knows that Morticia likes dancing with him. They know each other well enough that they can signal a request to the other and with only body language, the other knows what to do. They remember details about each other and each others' lives, like Morticia knowing about Gomez's childhood and him knowing her family.

"Woo her. Admire her, make her feel like the most sublime creature on Earth"

The next level is shared fondness and admiration. Gomez and Morticia make this very obvious, especially in the iconic 90s movies. They're every bit as passionate as you'd expect a young couple in love to be, even decades into their marriage. Morticia speaks French to Gomez, and he speaks Spanish to her (literal romance languages!). In terms of actual love languages, they show quite a bit of words of affirmation as well as physical touch, but they also spend time together and do things for each other (eg Gomez pulling out her chair when she sits). Importantly, these are ways they enjoy feeling admired. In the same way that Morticia would not enjoy being gifted a pastel pink dress, it's important to know if the way you express love to your partner is something that helps them feel loved in the first place.

"His trains are everywhere, the children are beside themselves... this can't go on. How can I help him?"

Of course, it's not all rainbows and butterflies -- or for the Addamses, darkness and moths. Things do get stressful, and when they do, healthy couples turn towards each other, rather than turning away (or worse, against each other). Gomez vents his frustrations about Fester to Morticia, and she attends to him when stressed. The Gottmans recommend having daily 15 minute stress reducing conversations to support each other, and we often see Gomez and Morticia not only having such conversations, but doing anything they can to help.

"What is he, a loafer? A hopeless layabout? A shiftless dreamer?" "Not anymore..."

For a couple of morbid types, Gomez and Morticia manage to keep things light and positive, even in the face of financial and familial difficulty. Couples in healthy relationships avoid criticism and instead see the best in each other. When Gomez is depressed, Morticia is empathetic. Even when Gomez is criticized for his unemployment, she thinks wistfully about how he's less of a dreamer than usual in his depressed state. You never see them criticize each other because they focus on the positive and give each other the benefit of the doubt.

"That glorious cruise. No quarrels. No cares. No survivors."

Conflict is unavoidable, so it's important to know how to manage it as a couple when it comes up. Now, we never really see Gomez and Morticia argue, and thus never really see them in conflict with each other. However, we do see them in situations that are likely to provoke conflict, and the ways they problem solve and get through the hard times. The Gottmans suggest three things: dialogue, self soothing, and accepting influence. Any conflict comes up gets discussed between them, and they have such deep love for each other that it doesn't turn into resentment. When they lose the estate and have to stay at a motel, everyone bands together and does their part. Morticia looks for work and lets Gomez self soothe through his depression. They don't ever disagree on how to tackle a problem, but there are times when each accepts influence from the other, and allows them to go ahead with something they have more experience in. Earlier in the same movie, they noticed when they felt in over their heads and decided to seek help. Morticia turns to grandma for help, and when that's not enough, they're okay with going to therapy for outside support. We see such little conflict between them that I couldn't really find a good quote for it.

"I'm just like any modern woman trying to have it all. Loving husband. A family. It's just... I wish I had more time to seek out the dark forces and join their hellish crusade."

As we reach the top of the house, we hit some of the aspirational parts of the house. Here we find making each others' life dreams come true. They encourage and support each others' hobbies and personal goals. When Morticia wants more time to herself after the birth of Pubert, Gomez listens to her vent, and is determined to find a suitable nanny so that she can spend more time on the dark arts.

“They're creepy and they're kooky, mysterious and spooky.”

The top of the house is where we have shared meaning. This is where we see something almost like a culture of two within the couple, consisting of everything from traditions to values. Family is clearly very important to the Addamses. They live with Uncle Fester and Grandma, and are very supportive of their kids. Strange as they are, they don't care what anyone else thinks, because this is what matters to them and what works for them. 

Listen to Your Heart: a meditative practice

When discussing mindfulness, meditating is one of the first things clients and therapists alike bring up. Some of the most common advice is to focus on your breath. I often struggle with this, because breath is something you have control over. The moment I start thinking about my breath it changes. It's no longer natural, but performed. Many clients I've spoken to have reported the same, citing this as definitive proof that meditation doesn't work for them. However, meditation comes in many forms; breath is not the only point of focus your meditative practice can have.

A second style of meditation focuses on a safe or calm place or activity. This can be somewhere you've been (on vacation or at home), a favorite hobby (riding a bike, painting), or something completely imaginary. Of all the safe places friends and clients have brought up, a relatively common one is curled up with a partner, listening to their heartbeat. Many clinicians prefer clients choose a meditative place with nobody around, so that the scene still feels safe if stressors come up with that person. But it can be hard to deny the soothing nature of listening to a loved one's heartbeat, and harder still for those who are quarantined separately from their loved ones. While you may not be able to curl up with your partner, you can still listen to your heartbeat.

As I often do, I turned to good friends and trusted colleagues for their thoughts on this practice. Some liked having something steady to focus on. Others, however, found it easy to incorporate into deeper work they'd been doing. Those struggling with loneliness found it centering, and those doing inner child work found it soothing. It sounded like something worth trying. So one morning I sat down, set a timer, and closed my eyes. It took a moment or two to find my pulse, but once I did, I leaned into it. Soon, it was like my whole body was beating.

And it was kind of magical.

There is something vulnerable about noticing your own heartbeat, and this vulnerability can make the importance of tending to your own needs much clearer. I've since started using this practice as such, focusing on my heartbeat whenever I check in with myself. Noticing your heartbeat in a calm state can help you familiarize yourself with it more, and this can particularly be helpful for those who experience panic attacks and anxiety. If you know your resting heart rate well, you may get better at noticing when your heart rate starts to increase, which is often one of the earliest signs of panic. 

The feeling of focusing on your heartbeat is a prime example of what it means to just be with yourself. It makes it easier to tend to your needs, know yourself better, and help loneliness melt away. Your heartbeat is something you carry with you everywhere, making it a perfect tool for mindfulness and grounding. And with all the chaos going on in the world, we could all use a little serenity.

Friendzoned: How gender affects emotional support

Some of the first questions many therapists ask a client are those meant to assess their friendships and other close relationships. This is because having a supportive community is one of the biggest strengths in those facing mental health problems. Whether it's Generalized Anxiety Disorder or grief over a breakup, having people you can lean on for emotional support can help a lot.

Women are more likely to have such social supports than men. Part of this is due to traditional gender roles and expectations. Emotional vulnerability is considered feminine, and thus more acceptable for women than men. Of course, anger is an exception here, given that it is linked with violence, which is linked with masculinity. So men are more likely to come in with anger issues, while women are more likely to come in with anxiety and depression.

The second part of this phenomenon is the difference between male and female friendships. Because emotional vulnerability is acceptable in women, it becomes an important part of the way women connect with each other. You can see this in media directed at teen girls: they support each other at best and tear each other down at worst, but it's all based in their ability to be vulnerable with each other. The trope of the girl giving her friend a makeover isn't just about looks; it's about self-esteem. The image of a group of friends watching a sappy romance movie and eating ice cream after one of them was dumped isn't just about being there for the friend; it's about empathizing and validating her emotions.

So what happens when you remove the emotional vulnerability from a close friendship? You get something close to what male friendships look like: a connection based in mutual interests, activities, and practicality. While it's not uncommon for two women with very little in common to become friends, this is far more rare with men. A guy's best friend may be someone they go to the gym with, someone they sit next to at work, or someone who reads the same books they do. A girl's best friend is likely to be someone who knows her more deeply than anyone else.

Of course, this is not to say women don't have shallow friendships and men don't have deep ones. Even media sometimes portrays men with emotionally deep relationships. Usually, however, this is referred to as a "bromance" and is played for laughs. It's not often these kinds of relationships are shown between multiple men, much less being shown as the norm. When it does show up, it's far more likely to happen between brothers, work partners (ie co-detectives), or best friends. Further, this model is based on Western gender norms, and thus might not apply to everyone in the same way. Some cultures reinforce emotional support more or less, and in different ways. Western gender norms don't account for other gender identities either. Those who are nonbinary or from other cultures might find that this applies differently, or not at all. Still, this is a useful frame to apply to others, especially in noticing different expectations for a close friendship or romantic relationship.

Speaking of romantic relationships, this often ends up being where men get most of their emotional support from. This is especially true in a heterosexual relationship, where the woman sees emotional support as part of any close relationship, not necessarily something specific to romantic situations. In a sense, a man is more likely to put all his eggs in one basket. His girlfriend can get her emotional needs met elsewhere if need be, but to him, she is likely the only person he can talk to about his troubles. This is why, statistically, the end of a long-term relationship affects men more harshly than women. If your emotional support comes only from within a romantic relationship, being single means you don't get any support. Worse still, men who struggle in their dating life have little to no support around this struggle, which in turn makes it harder to date. It becomes a downward spiral.

What about friendships between men and women? Well, this is where things get complicated. The old adage "Men and women can't be friends" probably comes from these different perspectives in what a friendship consists of. This is also why a woman whose friendship with a man is high in shared interests and low in emotional intimacy might be seen as "one of the guys". Since men usually only get emotional intimacy from romantic relationships, they think of this kind of closeness as a hint that the woman is interested in them romantically. This link is so ingrained that some men may associate emotionally close male bonds with gay relationships -- note the root "romance" in the phrase "bromance", and how often media makes fun of close male friends by calling them gay).

This is where the idea of the Friend Zone comes into play; this phrase has come to exemplify the difference between male and female relationships. A guy who feels he has been put in the friend zone by a girl probably saw the potential for a romantic relationship due to their emotional connection -- something that is rarer for him than for her. However, the girl may feel like she was seeking a perfectly normal friendship with a guy, only to be surprised that he was seeking a romantic relationship with her! In both cases, expectations didn't match up, and this can lead to the end of the relationship. The guy doesn't understand why the girl would provide and ask for emotional support while wanting to just be friends, and the girl doesn't understand why the guy would assume she was romantically interested when all she was doing was being a good friend.

It is important to note that while traditional gender roles can sometimes feel like they doom us to a certain kind of life, the world is shifting rapidly. On any middle or high school campus you can often find a few guys who prefer to make friends with girls, and vice versa -- often because of the ways they prefer to have friendships. More and more, people are picking and choosing what parts of their expected role they want to hold on to, if any. A particularly introverted woman may not want to have friendships that are about anything but shared interests, and this is okay as long as she finds other ways to regulate and process her feelings. Someone else may have a best friend they rely on for emotional support, and many other friendships based on a shared hobby. Finding something that works for you matters more than doing what other people decide is the right way to be healthy.

I want to encourage you to examine how traditional gender roles affect the way you build your friendships. Even if you don't identify as a man or a woman, the existence of these roles and friends who do or don't ascribe to them can have an impact. Someone raised a woman may feel they are expected to do emotional work for all their friends because this is what it means to be a good friend. Their friend may have been raised to see male roles as being preferable, and thus not want to be emotionally close with or show weakness to any of her friends. There are many ways people can respond to expectations, and even the "emotional closeness vs interest focused" dichotomy is overly simplistic and contains many other dynamics within it. But having emotionally close relationships (even just one or two!) is a protective factor for those with lots of life stress. If you find yourself bottling up strong emotions, needing to talk to someone but not feeling like you can reach out, consider opening up to someone a little. It doesn't need to go deep fast -- you can start with how much you hate being stuck in traffic or that you're upset you have to work on a Friday night. And if they respond in a way that feels good? Then, this might be the start of a beautiful friendship.