Weird but Healthy: the Addams Family as Relationship Goals

The Addams Family has been a classic TV family for decades, and for good reason. Their strange sense of aesthetics and humor give us something to laugh at, while their genuine love for each other gives us something to aspire to. Strikingly, parents Gomez and Morticia don't have the dysfunctional dynamic many couples in the media do. Despite the stress and conflict they face, their relationship remains solid. So, how can we have relationships like Gomez and Morticia?

Dr. John Gottman is known for his studies on healthy relationships. He and his wife Julie have together created The Gottman Institute for teaching couples therapists how to turn the results of their research into real change for clients. One such tool is called the Sound Relationship House. The idea is simple: a secure partnership has a strong foundation, weight-bearing walls, and levels that the couple can build upon, much like a house. If we examine the structure of it, we can see that Gomez and Morticia have built these principles in how they live and love. Creepy and kooky as they are, the Addams' relationship house is a sound one.

"Gomez, last night, you were unhinged. You were like some desperate, howling demon. You frightened me. Do it again."

The foundation of the house is building love maps. Gottman uses love map to indicate one's inner world, and it's important to know these things about your partner. Likes, dislikes, passions, these are often the first thing you develop in a relationship as you get to know each other. Morticia knows that when Gomez is playing with his trains, it's because he's upset. Gomez knows that Morticia likes dancing with him. They know each other well enough that they can signal a request to the other and with only body language, the other knows what to do. They remember details about each other and each others' lives, like Morticia knowing about Gomez's childhood and him knowing her family.

"Woo her. Admire her, make her feel like the most sublime creature on Earth"

The next level is shared fondness and admiration. Gomez and Morticia make this very obvious, especially in the iconic 90s movies. They're every bit as passionate as you'd expect a young couple in love to be, even decades into their marriage. Morticia speaks French to Gomez, and he speaks Spanish to her (literal romance languages!). In terms of actual love languages, they show quite a bit of words of affirmation as well as physical touch, but they also spend time together and do things for each other (eg Gomez pulling out her chair when she sits). Importantly, these are ways they enjoy feeling admired. In the same way that Morticia would not enjoy being gifted a pastel pink dress, it's important to know if the way you express love to your partner is something that helps them feel loved in the first place.

"His trains are everywhere, the children are beside themselves... this can't go on. How can I help him?"

Of course, it's not all rainbows and butterflies -- or for the Addamses, darkness and moths. Things do get stressful, and when they do, healthy couples turn towards each other, rather than turning away (or worse, against each other). Gomez vents his frustrations about Fester to Morticia, and she attends to him when stressed. The Gottmans recommend having daily 15 minute stress reducing conversations to support each other, and we often see Gomez and Morticia not only having such conversations, but doing anything they can to help.

"What is he, a loafer? A hopeless layabout? A shiftless dreamer?" "Not anymore..."

For a couple of morbid types, Gomez and Morticia manage to keep things light and positive, even in the face of financial and familial difficulty. Couples in healthy relationships avoid criticism and instead see the best in each other. When Gomez is depressed, Morticia is empathetic. Even when Gomez is criticized for his unemployment, she thinks wistfully about how he's less of a dreamer than usual in his depressed state. You never see them criticize each other because they focus on the positive and give each other the benefit of the doubt.

"That glorious cruise. No quarrels. No cares. No survivors."

Conflict is unavoidable, so it's important to know how to manage it as a couple when it comes up. Now, we never really see Gomez and Morticia argue, and thus never really see them in conflict with each other. However, we do see them in situations that are likely to provoke conflict, and the ways they problem solve and get through the hard times. The Gottmans suggest three things: dialogue, self soothing, and accepting influence. Any conflict comes up gets discussed between them, and they have such deep love for each other that it doesn't turn into resentment. When they lose the estate and have to stay at a motel, everyone bands together and does their part. Morticia looks for work and lets Gomez self soothe through his depression. They don't ever disagree on how to tackle a problem, but there are times when each accepts influence from the other, and allows them to go ahead with something they have more experience in. Earlier in the same movie, they noticed when they felt in over their heads and decided to seek help. Morticia turns to grandma for help, and when that's not enough, they're okay with going to therapy for outside support. We see such little conflict between them that I couldn't really find a good quote for it.

"I'm just like any modern woman trying to have it all. Loving husband. A family. It's just... I wish I had more time to seek out the dark forces and join their hellish crusade."

As we reach the top of the house, we hit some of the aspirational parts of the house. Here we find making each others' life dreams come true. They encourage and support each others' hobbies and personal goals. When Morticia wants more time to herself after the birth of Pubert, Gomez listens to her vent, and is determined to find a suitable nanny so that she can spend more time on the dark arts.

“They're creepy and they're kooky, mysterious and spooky.”

The top of the house is where we have shared meaning. This is where we see something almost like a culture of two within the couple, consisting of everything from traditions to values. Family is clearly very important to the Addamses. They live with Uncle Fester and Grandma, and are very supportive of their kids. Strange as they are, they don't care what anyone else thinks, because this is what matters to them and what works for them. 

Listen to Your Heart: a meditative practice

When discussing mindfulness, meditating is one of the first things clients and therapists alike bring up. Some of the most common advice is to focus on your breath. I often struggle with this, because breath is something you have control over. The moment I start thinking about my breath it changes. It's no longer natural, but performed. Many clients I've spoken to have reported the same, citing this as definitive proof that meditation doesn't work for them. However, meditation comes in many forms; breath is not the only point of focus your meditative practice can have.

A second style of meditation focuses on a safe or calm place or activity. This can be somewhere you've been (on vacation or at home), a favorite hobby (riding a bike, painting), or something completely imaginary. Of all the safe places friends and clients have brought up, a relatively common one is curled up with a partner, listening to their heartbeat. Many clinicians prefer clients choose a meditative place with nobody around, so that the scene still feels safe if stressors come up with that person. But it can be hard to deny the soothing nature of listening to a loved one's heartbeat, and harder still for those who are quarantined separately from their loved ones. While you may not be able to curl up with your partner, you can still listen to your heartbeat.

As I often do, I turned to good friends and trusted colleagues for their thoughts on this practice. Some liked having something steady to focus on. Others, however, found it easy to incorporate into deeper work they'd been doing. Those struggling with loneliness found it centering, and those doing inner child work found it soothing. It sounded like something worth trying. So one morning I sat down, set a timer, and closed my eyes. It took a moment or two to find my pulse, but once I did, I leaned into it. Soon, it was like my whole body was beating.

And it was kind of magical.

There is something vulnerable about noticing your own heartbeat, and this vulnerability can make the importance of tending to your own needs much clearer. I've since started using this practice as such, focusing on my heartbeat whenever I check in with myself. Noticing your heartbeat in a calm state can help you familiarize yourself with it more, and this can particularly be helpful for those who experience panic attacks and anxiety. If you know your resting heart rate well, you may get better at noticing when your heart rate starts to increase, which is often one of the earliest signs of panic. 

The feeling of focusing on your heartbeat is a prime example of what it means to just be with yourself. It makes it easier to tend to your needs, know yourself better, and help loneliness melt away. Your heartbeat is something you carry with you everywhere, making it a perfect tool for mindfulness and grounding. And with all the chaos going on in the world, we could all use a little serenity.

Sad, Mad, and Bad: What depression looks like in children

There are a limited number of mental health problems that are thought to affect kids. ADHD and Autism Spectrum Disorders are commonly diagnosed in childhood, while mood disorders are most common in teenagers and adults. However, this doesn't mean that children don't get depressed. Children experience depression differently from adults, and thus their symptoms can look very different. This can result in depression being underdiagnosed in kids, or not diagnosed until they are much older, despite early symptoms.

The most commonly known symptom of depression is depressed mood. In children, this can look more like irritability. They may have more outbursts, break down crying more often, or not get along as well with friends and family as they used to. The next most common symptom is anhedonia, which means less interest in pleasure. Kids may be less interested in seeing their friends or participating in favorite hobbies and activities. They might even come up with excuses or feign sickness so that they can stay home from a friend's birthday party or miss an outing. Adults often experience significant weight loss or gain, though this can be difficult to track in kids; instead, we need to look at where they are compared to their expected growth and weight gain. Kids are also more likely to have bodily symptoms, such as headaches and stomach aches, and may go to the nurse's office a lot with such concerns.

Of course, this is not to say that kids never experience adult depressive symptoms. Sleep problems are common with depression in adults and kids, as are feelings of guilt and trouble concentrating. However, kids are more likely to have trouble expressing these symptoms. They might not understand depression at all, or have the words to say what's going on for them. Even if they do, they might be afraid to express it. Depressed kids often withdraw from their families. If your kid avoids telling you about their day at school, they may be avoiding telling you about their difficult feelings, too.

Suicidality in depressed kids can be a tricky subject. Just because they're kids doesn't mean they don't get suicidal ideation, but not all talk of death indicates suicidality. This is especially true in elementary age kids, who may be just processing the idea of death or suicide, and who may be repeating things they've seen in the media or heard from friends. When kids talk about death, it's important to ask about the meaning of what they say and get a clear picture of what's going on for them before jumping to conclusions. The national suicide hotline (1-800-273-8255) has a youth division, and their website has many resources specific to many common causes of suicide in kids and teens, like bullying, gender/sexuality, abusive relationships, and more.

Many kids don't feel comfortable talking to the adults in their life. In some cases, it can be as simple as making sure they know you are a safe person to talk to. Talking about your feelings can help them feel more okay being open about theirs (even something as simple as "I'm frustrated that the waiter hasn't taken our order yet" or "I'm so tired from work"). Being more explicit about the okayness of difficult feelings might be necessary for some kids to safe talking about their difficult feelings. Just make sure you don't pressure your kids into talking to you. It's like one of those finger traps: pulling hard doesn't get them to open up as well as gentle nudges do.

If your kid won't talk to you, or you aren't sure you can help them on your own, therapy can be hugely beneficial. Not only can a therapist teach your kid about their emotions and how to deal with them, but they can also help you and your child open up to each other more. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can teach a kid how their thoughts aren't always reliable (i.e. jumping to conclusions, minimizing strengths and maximizing problems, etc). Narrative Therapy can help kids explore who they are in relation to the world around them -- which can be important for kids nearing puberty. Gestalt Therapy can help kids process any bottled up feelings. Therapy can also help kids gain the communication skills necessary to talk through problems and difficult feelings with others. Many kids don't feel comfortable talking to the adults in their life, but are willing to talk to a therapist; often times the therapist is the only person in the kid's life who doesn't have expectations for them, and this makes them safe to talk to. A therapist isn't going to have a kid wash dishes or take a math test, and most kids understand that therapists are there to listen and help.

While childhood depression sometimes goes away, it can be hard to distinguish from lifelong depression in the moment. Untreated depression can make it hard for kids to learn, make friends, and thrive in their daily lives, and can thus affect their long term development. Symptoms of depression also often overlap with symptoms of other illnesses, mental and otherwise, so it is important to bring up any symptoms your child shows with their doctor. If handled effectively, childhood depression can often recede and leave no traces in adulthood.

Friendzoned: How gender affects emotional support

Some of the first questions many therapists ask a client are those meant to assess their friendships and other close relationships. This is because having a supportive community is one of the biggest strengths in those facing mental health problems. Whether it's Generalized Anxiety Disorder or grief over a breakup, having people you can lean on for emotional support can help a lot.

Women are more likely to have such social supports than men. Part of this is due to traditional gender roles and expectations. Emotional vulnerability is considered feminine, and thus more acceptable for women than men. Of course, anger is an exception here, given that it is linked with violence, which is linked with masculinity. So men are more likely to come in with anger issues, while women are more likely to come in with anxiety and depression.

The second part of this phenomenon is the difference between male and female friendships. Because emotional vulnerability is acceptable in women, it becomes an important part of the way women connect with each other. You can see this in media directed at teen girls: they support each other at best and tear each other down at worst, but it's all based in their ability to be vulnerable with each other. The trope of the girl giving her friend a makeover isn't just about looks; it's about self-esteem. The image of a group of friends watching a sappy romance movie and eating ice cream after one of them was dumped isn't just about being there for the friend; it's about empathizing and validating her emotions.

So what happens when you remove the emotional vulnerability from a close friendship? You get something close to what male friendships look like: a connection based in mutual interests, activities, and practicality. While it's not uncommon for two women with very little in common to become friends, this is far more rare with men. A guy's best friend may be someone they go to the gym with, someone they sit next to at work, or someone who reads the same books they do. A girl's best friend is likely to be someone who knows her more deeply than anyone else.

Of course, this is not to say women don't have shallow friendships and men don't have deep ones. Even media sometimes portrays men with emotionally deep relationships. Usually, however, this is referred to as a "bromance" and is played for laughs. It's not often these kinds of relationships are shown between multiple men, much less being shown as the norm. When it does show up, it's far more likely to happen between brothers, work partners (ie co-detectives), or best friends. Further, this model is based on Western gender norms, and thus might not apply to everyone in the same way. Some cultures reinforce emotional support more or less, and in different ways. Western gender norms don't account for other gender identities either. Those who are nonbinary or from other cultures might find that this applies differently, or not at all. Still, this is a useful frame to apply to others, especially in noticing different expectations for a close friendship or romantic relationship.

Speaking of romantic relationships, this often ends up being where men get most of their emotional support from. This is especially true in a heterosexual relationship, where the woman sees emotional support as part of any close relationship, not necessarily something specific to romantic situations. In a sense, a man is more likely to put all his eggs in one basket. His girlfriend can get her emotional needs met elsewhere if need be, but to him, she is likely the only person he can talk to about his troubles. This is why, statistically, the end of a long-term relationship affects men more harshly than women. If your emotional support comes only from within a romantic relationship, being single means you don't get any support. Worse still, men who struggle in their dating life have little to no support around this struggle, which in turn makes it harder to date. It becomes a downward spiral.

What about friendships between men and women? Well, this is where things get complicated. The old adage "Men and women can't be friends" probably comes from these different perspectives in what a friendship consists of. This is also why a woman whose friendship with a man is high in shared interests and low in emotional intimacy might be seen as "one of the guys". Since men usually only get emotional intimacy from romantic relationships, they think of this kind of closeness as a hint that the woman is interested in them romantically. This link is so ingrained that some men may associate emotionally close male bonds with gay relationships -- note the root "romance" in the phrase "bromance", and how often media makes fun of close male friends by calling them gay).

This is where the idea of the Friend Zone comes into play; this phrase has come to exemplify the difference between male and female relationships. A guy who feels he has been put in the friend zone by a girl probably saw the potential for a romantic relationship due to their emotional connection -- something that is rarer for him than for her. However, the girl may feel like she was seeking a perfectly normal friendship with a guy, only to be surprised that he was seeking a romantic relationship with her! In both cases, expectations didn't match up, and this can lead to the end of the relationship. The guy doesn't understand why the girl would provide and ask for emotional support while wanting to just be friends, and the girl doesn't understand why the guy would assume she was romantically interested when all she was doing was being a good friend.

It is important to note that while traditional gender roles can sometimes feel like they doom us to a certain kind of life, the world is shifting rapidly. On any middle or high school campus you can often find a few guys who prefer to make friends with girls, and vice versa -- often because of the ways they prefer to have friendships. More and more, people are picking and choosing what parts of their expected role they want to hold on to, if any. A particularly introverted woman may not want to have friendships that are about anything but shared interests, and this is okay as long as she finds other ways to regulate and process her feelings. Someone else may have a best friend they rely on for emotional support, and many other friendships based on a shared hobby. Finding something that works for you matters more than doing what other people decide is the right way to be healthy.

I want to encourage you to examine how traditional gender roles affect the way you build your friendships. Even if you don't identify as a man or a woman, the existence of these roles and friends who do or don't ascribe to them can have an impact. Someone raised a woman may feel they are expected to do emotional work for all their friends because this is what it means to be a good friend. Their friend may have been raised to see male roles as being preferable, and thus not want to be emotionally close with or show weakness to any of her friends. There are many ways people can respond to expectations, and even the "emotional closeness vs interest focused" dichotomy is overly simplistic and contains many other dynamics within it. But having emotionally close relationships (even just one or two!) is a protective factor for those with lots of life stress. If you find yourself bottling up strong emotions, needing to talk to someone but not feeling like you can reach out, consider opening up to someone a little. It doesn't need to go deep fast -- you can start with how much you hate being stuck in traffic or that you're upset you have to work on a Friday night. And if they respond in a way that feels good? Then, this might be the start of a beautiful friendship.

The Dark Side: Emotional regulation and kids

When young kids are struggling to deal with strong emotions, it can be difficult to explain what's going on in a way that doesn't shame them for having feelings. Further, it can be hard to find ways for kids to deal with those strong feelings. Meditation, yoga, and journaling all seem like the kinds of things that would bore kids, and explaining to them why habits like these can be important is difficult -- especially for kids who struggle to think abstractly!

Most kids respond well to examples they can relate to, either in their daily lives or in fiction. This is why many children's TV shows will demonstrate a dilemma and show the main character's search for a solution. Shows aimed at younger kids may include jingles or catch phrases to remind kids of the skills the show is trying to teach (such as manners, problem solving, and conflict resolution). Connecting material kids learn to the media they enjoy engages them and helps with understanding. It is no wonder that so many teachers write math problems and spelling test sentences about popular TV, movies, and games. The same idea can be easily applied to the social and emotional skills we teach our kids.

Perhaps my favorite example of this is a metaphor connecting Star Wars and emotional regulation. In the series, Jedis (basically magical space knights) use something called The Force to harness supernatural abilities. These abilities can help them in combat, interpersonal situations, and in daily life. The Force is described as having a dark side and a light side, which can hurt or help people accordingly. Put the supernatural abilities aside, and a lot of this sounds like things you could tell a kid about their emotions.

Many kids who know Star Wars know Kylo Ren, the newest villain to be introduced in the movies. Kylo Ren is often shown to be angry and destructive. It is heavily implied that his anger outbursts are part of what drew him to the dark side in the first place. By contrast, Jedis like Obi Wan are often shown to be calm and collected. They even meditate! This can serve as an example as to how emotions (like The Force) can be destructive if you let them control you. Jedis undergo years of training to learn how to use The Force safely, just as many of us may go to therapy to learn to regulate our feelings.

Jedi meditation is described as being necessary to harness The Force, and while meditation may not work for all kids, the description of it (examining each thought or feeling and letting it go) may help with finding emotional regulation techniques that do work for them. While diaries are less common than they used to be, many kids still use different types of journals, online and off -- this is, in fact, why some kids post so much on social media. Arts and crafts can be helpful for kids who aren't as good with words, as can sports and movement (like running or playing soccer if not yoga or dance). Many activities that are built for kids can help here, but don't underestimate a kid's ability to meditate (guided or otherwise!) or write just because of their age.

Even if the Star Wars metaphor itself doesn't work, a lot of the media kids consume have deeper messages and themes. So next time you want to explain a difficult social or emotional concept to a kid, look at their favorite books, movies, and TV shows. You might find an example already woven into the story.

When To Go To Bed Angry

Popular advice for struggling couples is to never go to bed angry. The thought is, to work on problems when they're fresh, rather than letting them simmer until they explode. While this is great advice for some couples (enough so that some make it a policy or rule within their relationship!) it can add to the tension for others. Why? It may lead to staying up trying to talk through issues when both people would rather be asleep. While it is important to talk about things that come up rather than putting them on the back burner, trying to talk things through when one or both people don't have the energy to do so can make the problem worse, not better.

This isn't just about arguments before bed, either. On the way to dinner with the in laws, while driving up a particularly difficult road, and before work are all times when an argument might feel particularly inopportune. Being able to save something like this for later is an important skill, both for an individual and especially for a couple.

If the thought of doing this makes you anxious or upset, notice that! There may be valid concerns underlying there, and maybe just waiting for a more opportune moment to talk things over isn't the best way of handling this. Does having to wait to bring something up make you feel like you're going to explode? Do you worry that the problem is going to be forgotten about and never discussed? Are you likely to forget all the emotions around the problem in the morning, and undersell yourself? These thoughts and feelings are important to take note of, so don't just push them aside. This is all information that you can use.

Something that might help quell these fears of putting off a discussion is to record your feelings while they're fresh. Any time you put off a discussion for a time when emotions aren't as high, it can feel like you're likely to forget something or sell yourself short. Depending on how you best process information, you can try writing something down in a journal, typing something up in Word, or recording yourself talking into your phone. You can format this like a list of talking points, pretend it's a letter or voicemail to the other person, or just ramble until you have nothing left to say. Later, when it's time to discuss the problem, you can choose to show the other person your recording or writing directly, or read/listen to it yourself and tell them whatever you feel still sticks. It's entirely possible that you'll realize that you completely disagree with your past self, and that's perfectly okay! This is part of the reason why it can be good to put off discussions like this in the first place -- anger and fear can cloud discussing what's really going on.

Getting some distance from an argument can also help in making sure you don't play your normal role. If you're likely to get angry and your partner tends to withdraw in fear, keeping a calm head can help your partner stay engaged during what might otherwise be a rough conversation. Looking back over your thoughts, you may notice somethings that come up when emotions are high, such as blaming, hiding, or defensiveness. Notice what tactics you're prone to using. And next time you and your partner start to argue, see if you can change the normal course of it -- even if that just means talking about it later.

Distraction techniques: active, passive, and regulatory

When life gets difficult, it can often become tempting to distract yourself from your own thoughts and feelings. Loved ones may scold us for this, telling us that we should confront our feelings, because distracting ourselves doesn't accomplish anything. However, distraction is an important part of distress tolerance. Imagine Jill, a young woman who, in typical romantic comedy fashion, gets fired and dumped on the same day. Sure, distracting herself isn't going to help her find a new job, but binge-watching her favorite TV series would give Jill time to let her emotions around the problem cool down before she decides to start working on it.

Of course, different kinds of people may require different kinds of distraction. For Jill, a more passive distraction like watching TV is perfect; she may not have the energy to do much else. However, her now-ex Bob is worried about how awkward their break-up is going to make things with their mutual friend group. If he sat down to watch TV, he would still be worrying about it. Bob needs a distraction that he can throw himself into, something that takes so much effort and focus that he can't spend any time worrying. So instead, he decides to pick up his guitar and practice a new song he's been trying to learn. Bob opts for a more active distraction.

The examples above not only show the difference between passive and active distraction, but also how to match what kind of distraction you need to your mood. For a lot of people, depression makes it hard to do things, so a more passive distraction may be preferred. Jill would not have had the energy to practice an instrument while depressed. On the other side, anxiety often manifests as a sort of nervous energy, which can easily be redirected. Of course, this isn't the case for everyone. Some people find anxiety paralyzing, so they may prefer a passive distraction despite being anxious. The important thing here is that the activeness and passivity of your distraction match your energy level.

What some people find to work as a distraction, others might find works better as emotional regulation. Maybe the real reason Jill didn't want to play music is that it wouldn't distract her at all, and would instead remind her of Bob even more! A few days after the break-up, Jill may still be feeling sad and missing him, so she sits down at her piano and plays the saddest song she knows. Here she is not using music to distract her from her feelings. On the contrary, she is leaning into her emotions, and letting them out. The song she plays could be the same exact song that Bob was trying to learn on his guitar; the important thing here is the approach. Jill is choosing an activity that matches her mood. If she was angry about the breakup, she might play an angry song, or go to a kickboxing class. If she was sad, but didn't want to play music, she might write a long letter to Bob, then shred it.

Not only is distraction anecdotally helpful, but research has been done to track symptoms in those who do and don't use the technique. A Swedish study showed that patients admitted to the hospital after a car accident were less likely to develop PTSD if they played Tetris within a few hours of admission. Some of the core symptoms of PTSD involve recurring thoughts, intrusive memories, and flashbacks, and it is thought that distracting a person from ruminating over the event blocks this pattern from forming. Those who distracted in this study had fewer intrusive memories in the week following, and these intrusive memories diminished faster. An earlier Oxford study showed that in a case of simulated trauma, playing Tetris was the best of three options, with taking an online trivia quiz as worse than doing nothing. This indicates that choosing the wrong distraction technique (in this case, a passive one rather than an active one) can actually be hurtful. In this case, it makes sense that a failed distraction could actually train the brain to ruminate even while occupied. A distraction must be sufficiently distracting without being overwhelming.

This is not to say that distraction is always the best technique to use in a given situation. Distraction works best as distress tolerance, and is not a replacement for emotional regulation. As discussed above, the two work differently. Distracting yourself instead of using emotional regulation can lead to unprocessed or buried thoughts and feelings. In the moment, it can be hard to tell whether distracting yourself is helping or not. Different people have different tells (losing track of time, forgetting to do something important like eat lunch, etc) but generally, distraction should make you feel better, not worse. If you feel worse after a period of distraction, it may not be the right technique to be using. So next time you are feeling overwhelmed and need to veg out, go ahead! Just take the time to think about the kind of distraction you need first. 

The 5 Stages of Grief, and Why They May Not Be Accurate

In Western culture, we often talk about grief coming in phases. When we first hear about death of a loved one, we may not believe it. Then, once we come to terms with it, we may need to mourn for a very long time before we are able to move on. Many cultures around the world have ceremonies and traditions that deal with mourning, but in the US, people most often talk about the 5 Stages of Grief. This model, also known as the Kubler-Ross Model, goes as follows:

1. Denial (this can't be happening)
2. Anger (why me)
3. Bargaining (maybe if...)
4. Depression 
5. Acceptance

This model, though it does focus on grief, was developed specifically in relation to those who are dying. Rather than being developed about someone grieving a dead friend or family member, it was meant to teach loved ones of a dying person what they go through emotionally upon finding out that they are dying. So, for example, the bargaining phase is not meant to show that a person may think there is a way to get their dead friend back. Instead, it shows that, at a certain point, a dying person may be convinced that there is a way to cure them of whatever is killing them, or hope that their illness may mysteriously disappear.

So what does the process of grief actually look like?

In the 80s, John Schneider developed what he calls the Transformational Stages of Grief. This model looks not only at emotional responses, but cognitive, behavioral, spiritual, and physical responses as well, and thus is designed to nurture growth. Rather than just covering loss of a loved one, it also covers other losses like break ups and divorce, as well as more internal losses like a change in beliefs or a loss of faith. Schneider's model is:

1. Initial awareness of loss (shock, confusion, disbelief)
2. Attempts at limiting awareness by holding on (bargaining, guilt, ruminating, and trying to use coping behaviors that have worked in the past, all in attempt to put off instability. often associated with insomnia, muscle tension, and yearning.)
3. Attempts at limiting awareness by letting go (depression, anxiety, shame, pessimism, forgetting, and hedonism, sometimes involves giving up on formerly held ideals and beliefs)
4. Awareness of the extent of the loss (mourning, deprivation, grief, defenselessness, flooded thoughts, noticing what you are now missing)
5. Gaining perspective on the loss (healing, peace, acceptance, noticing growth and change, awareness of the extent of your and others' responsibility, realizing any positives)
6. Resolving the loss (self-forgiveness, finishing unfinished business, accepting responsibility, saying goodbye)
7. Reformulating the loss in a context of growth (discovering potential, problems as challenges, regaining curiosity, think of a divorced person who has decided to start dating again)
8. Transforming loss into new levels of attachment (awareness of interrelationships, wholeness, empathy, end of searching, reflection)

As a counterpoint to traditional models, there is also what's called The Dutro Model, which doesn't focus on stages at all. This model claims that traditional "stages of grief" models are not supported, and placing time limits on grief is inappropriate. It also holds that pathologizing the suppression of sadness as a response to grief is also incorrect. Instead, the model sees grief as being complex, multidimensional, and individualized, based on a number of variables that are different for each person's individual experience. 

Often times, a grieving person can expect a flood of support when people first hear about the loss, though the support may wind down when the news is no longer as new. It is important to keep in mind that grief can go on for a long time. Sometimes, particularly when grief involves trauma, people can experience post-traumatic stress along with their grief. Think of the couple going through a particularly contentious divorce, or someone who witnessed a friend being killed. This can result in a complicated grief reaction, which can take much longer to process than grief on its own. 

Ultimately, each person's experience of grief is going to be different, depending on the type of grief they are going through and the circumstances around the loss. Stage models are useful for those in the middle of the grieving process, as well as friends and loved ones of the grieving person. The grieving person may find comfort in knowing what may happen next and understanding that this too shall pass, while their friends and family may feel that knowing what's going on and what to expect can better help them be supportive. Complicated emotions around grief can be sudden and painful, or they can sneak up on you when you don't expect it. Understanding what you are going through and knowing that you are not alone in your experiences can often be one of the most helpful things in getting through that dark tunnel and out the other side.