Weird but Healthy: the Addams Family as Relationship Goals

The Addams Family has been a classic TV family for decades, and for good reason. Their strange sense of aesthetics and humor give us something to laugh at, while their genuine love for each other gives us something to aspire to. Strikingly, parents Gomez and Morticia don't have the dysfunctional dynamic many couples in the media do. Despite the stress and conflict they face, their relationship remains solid. So, how can we have relationships like Gomez and Morticia?

Dr. John Gottman is known for his studies on healthy relationships. He and his wife Julie have together created The Gottman Institute for teaching couples therapists how to turn the results of their research into real change for clients. One such tool is called the Sound Relationship House. The idea is simple: a secure partnership has a strong foundation, weight-bearing walls, and levels that the couple can build upon, much like a house. If we examine the structure of it, we can see that Gomez and Morticia have built these principles in how they live and love. Creepy and kooky as they are, the Addams' relationship house is a sound one.

"Gomez, last night, you were unhinged. You were like some desperate, howling demon. You frightened me. Do it again."

The foundation of the house is building love maps. Gottman uses love map to indicate one's inner world, and it's important to know these things about your partner. Likes, dislikes, passions, these are often the first thing you develop in a relationship as you get to know each other. Morticia knows that when Gomez is playing with his trains, it's because he's upset. Gomez knows that Morticia likes dancing with him. They know each other well enough that they can signal a request to the other and with only body language, the other knows what to do. They remember details about each other and each others' lives, like Morticia knowing about Gomez's childhood and him knowing her family.

"Woo her. Admire her, make her feel like the most sublime creature on Earth"

The next level is shared fondness and admiration. Gomez and Morticia make this very obvious, especially in the iconic 90s movies. They're every bit as passionate as you'd expect a young couple in love to be, even decades into their marriage. Morticia speaks French to Gomez, and he speaks Spanish to her (literal romance languages!). In terms of actual love languages, they show quite a bit of words of affirmation as well as physical touch, but they also spend time together and do things for each other (eg Gomez pulling out her chair when she sits). Importantly, these are ways they enjoy feeling admired. In the same way that Morticia would not enjoy being gifted a pastel pink dress, it's important to know if the way you express love to your partner is something that helps them feel loved in the first place.

"His trains are everywhere, the children are beside themselves... this can't go on. How can I help him?"

Of course, it's not all rainbows and butterflies -- or for the Addamses, darkness and moths. Things do get stressful, and when they do, healthy couples turn towards each other, rather than turning away (or worse, against each other). Gomez vents his frustrations about Fester to Morticia, and she attends to him when stressed. The Gottmans recommend having daily 15 minute stress reducing conversations to support each other, and we often see Gomez and Morticia not only having such conversations, but doing anything they can to help.

"What is he, a loafer? A hopeless layabout? A shiftless dreamer?" "Not anymore..."

For a couple of morbid types, Gomez and Morticia manage to keep things light and positive, even in the face of financial and familial difficulty. Couples in healthy relationships avoid criticism and instead see the best in each other. When Gomez is depressed, Morticia is empathetic. Even when Gomez is criticized for his unemployment, she thinks wistfully about how he's less of a dreamer than usual in his depressed state. You never see them criticize each other because they focus on the positive and give each other the benefit of the doubt.

"That glorious cruise. No quarrels. No cares. No survivors."

Conflict is unavoidable, so it's important to know how to manage it as a couple when it comes up. Now, we never really see Gomez and Morticia argue, and thus never really see them in conflict with each other. However, we do see them in situations that are likely to provoke conflict, and the ways they problem solve and get through the hard times. The Gottmans suggest three things: dialogue, self soothing, and accepting influence. Any conflict comes up gets discussed between them, and they have such deep love for each other that it doesn't turn into resentment. When they lose the estate and have to stay at a motel, everyone bands together and does their part. Morticia looks for work and lets Gomez self soothe through his depression. They don't ever disagree on how to tackle a problem, but there are times when each accepts influence from the other, and allows them to go ahead with something they have more experience in. Earlier in the same movie, they noticed when they felt in over their heads and decided to seek help. Morticia turns to grandma for help, and when that's not enough, they're okay with going to therapy for outside support. We see such little conflict between them that I couldn't really find a good quote for it.

"I'm just like any modern woman trying to have it all. Loving husband. A family. It's just... I wish I had more time to seek out the dark forces and join their hellish crusade."

As we reach the top of the house, we hit some of the aspirational parts of the house. Here we find making each others' life dreams come true. They encourage and support each others' hobbies and personal goals. When Morticia wants more time to herself after the birth of Pubert, Gomez listens to her vent, and is determined to find a suitable nanny so that she can spend more time on the dark arts.

“They're creepy and they're kooky, mysterious and spooky.”

The top of the house is where we have shared meaning. This is where we see something almost like a culture of two within the couple, consisting of everything from traditions to values. Family is clearly very important to the Addamses. They live with Uncle Fester and Grandma, and are very supportive of their kids. Strange as they are, they don't care what anyone else thinks, because this is what matters to them and what works for them. 

Time vs Task: Bounds of attention

I once worked in a special needs class that consisted mostly of kids with Downs Syndrome and Autism Spectrum disorder. There were many patterns I noticed that ran through both groups, but at the end of the free period when we had to draw the students' attention back to classwork, one difference became clear: their attention spans.

Kids on the Autism Spectrum would drop what they were doing as soon as they were told that it was time for lecture. To these kids, making sure everything scheduled happened on time was important; if something came up and they had to skip math, they would be distressed -- even if they didn't really like math. In contrast, kids with Downs Syndrome wanted to finish what they were doing. If they were in the middle of a puzzle, they had to finish it. If they were watching a Youtube video, they couldn't hit pause until it was over. We'd have to keep track of their activities and anticipate when a good time to pull them away. If a kid was listening to music, we'd approach them five minutes before the end of the period and allow them one more song.

This is not meant to draw boundaries between diagnoses (not every person with one of these conditions will act like the kids in my class did), but it does illustrate two very different approaches to attention: time-bound and task-bound. Someone who prefers to stick to a schedule is more likely to have time-bound attention, finishing a task when it is time for the next task, even if the previous task isn't completely finished. Others may be more task-bound, preferring to finish one task before moving on to the next.

To apply this to yourself, imagine being a child reading your favorite book before bed. You are told that it is time to go to sleep, but you are in the middle of a chapter. How reluctant are you to put the book down? Regardless of how good the book is, are you willing to go to bed before the chapter is done?

Variable answers are expected here. A gripping mystery novel is going to treat your attention differently from a comic book, in the same way that activities you enjoy feel different from those you don't. A person's willingness to move on to the next task may depend on many things, including time spent or remaining in the task, time until you can return to the task, enjoyment, and rarity of the task. You may be more reluctant to leave a party if you are talking to a friend you haven't seen in months, or if you just started playing a particular game with them, even if your attention is typically more time-bound.

Stress can come up interpersonally when one person is time-bound and the other is task-bound. If two people are putting together a puzzle and it's time for dinner, one might want to pause to eat, while the other might want to finish the puzzle first. Similarly, if a person who is time-bound is waiting on someone task-bound, they may end up waiting longer than they expected, depending on what the task-bound person is doing. It is important not to act like one of these ways of viewing attention is "correct"; they both have strengths and flaws and places where they are more or less appropriate. Just as it may hurt to stop an important conversation before wrapping up because it's "time for lunch", it would be inappropriate to drag an appointment over time if one or both parties has another appointment right after.

Next time you find yourself in a battle between the task at hand and the next task, notice where your attention is drawn and why. Notice how fluid this is -- your willingness to be time-bound when you want to be task-bound, or vice versa. Your answers may differ each time you try this, or they may show consistent patterns in your behavior. And once you've noticed these patterns, you can better examine how that changes the shape of your life.

Friendzoned: How gender affects emotional support

Some of the first questions many therapists ask a client are those meant to assess their friendships and other close relationships. This is because having a supportive community is one of the biggest strengths in those facing mental health problems. Whether it's Generalized Anxiety Disorder or grief over a breakup, having people you can lean on for emotional support can help a lot.

Women are more likely to have such social supports than men. Part of this is due to traditional gender roles and expectations. Emotional vulnerability is considered feminine, and thus more acceptable for women than men. Of course, anger is an exception here, given that it is linked with violence, which is linked with masculinity. So men are more likely to come in with anger issues, while women are more likely to come in with anxiety and depression.

The second part of this phenomenon is the difference between male and female friendships. Because emotional vulnerability is acceptable in women, it becomes an important part of the way women connect with each other. You can see this in media directed at teen girls: they support each other at best and tear each other down at worst, but it's all based in their ability to be vulnerable with each other. The trope of the girl giving her friend a makeover isn't just about looks; it's about self-esteem. The image of a group of friends watching a sappy romance movie and eating ice cream after one of them was dumped isn't just about being there for the friend; it's about empathizing and validating her emotions.

So what happens when you remove the emotional vulnerability from a close friendship? You get something close to what male friendships look like: a connection based in mutual interests, activities, and practicality. While it's not uncommon for two women with very little in common to become friends, this is far more rare with men. A guy's best friend may be someone they go to the gym with, someone they sit next to at work, or someone who reads the same books they do. A girl's best friend is likely to be someone who knows her more deeply than anyone else.

Of course, this is not to say women don't have shallow friendships and men don't have deep ones. Even media sometimes portrays men with emotionally deep relationships. Usually, however, this is referred to as a "bromance" and is played for laughs. It's not often these kinds of relationships are shown between multiple men, much less being shown as the norm. When it does show up, it's far more likely to happen between brothers, work partners (ie co-detectives), or best friends. Further, this model is based on Western gender norms, and thus might not apply to everyone in the same way. Some cultures reinforce emotional support more or less, and in different ways. Western gender norms don't account for other gender identities either. Those who are nonbinary or from other cultures might find that this applies differently, or not at all. Still, this is a useful frame to apply to others, especially in noticing different expectations for a close friendship or romantic relationship.

Speaking of romantic relationships, this often ends up being where men get most of their emotional support from. This is especially true in a heterosexual relationship, where the woman sees emotional support as part of any close relationship, not necessarily something specific to romantic situations. In a sense, a man is more likely to put all his eggs in one basket. His girlfriend can get her emotional needs met elsewhere if need be, but to him, she is likely the only person he can talk to about his troubles. This is why, statistically, the end of a long-term relationship affects men more harshly than women. If your emotional support comes only from within a romantic relationship, being single means you don't get any support. Worse still, men who struggle in their dating life have little to no support around this struggle, which in turn makes it harder to date. It becomes a downward spiral.

What about friendships between men and women? Well, this is where things get complicated. The old adage "Men and women can't be friends" probably comes from these different perspectives in what a friendship consists of. This is also why a woman whose friendship with a man is high in shared interests and low in emotional intimacy might be seen as "one of the guys". Since men usually only get emotional intimacy from romantic relationships, they think of this kind of closeness as a hint that the woman is interested in them romantically. This link is so ingrained that some men may associate emotionally close male bonds with gay relationships -- note the root "romance" in the phrase "bromance", and how often media makes fun of close male friends by calling them gay).

This is where the idea of the Friend Zone comes into play; this phrase has come to exemplify the difference between male and female relationships. A guy who feels he has been put in the friend zone by a girl probably saw the potential for a romantic relationship due to their emotional connection -- something that is rarer for him than for her. However, the girl may feel like she was seeking a perfectly normal friendship with a guy, only to be surprised that he was seeking a romantic relationship with her! In both cases, expectations didn't match up, and this can lead to the end of the relationship. The guy doesn't understand why the girl would provide and ask for emotional support while wanting to just be friends, and the girl doesn't understand why the guy would assume she was romantically interested when all she was doing was being a good friend.

It is important to note that while traditional gender roles can sometimes feel like they doom us to a certain kind of life, the world is shifting rapidly. On any middle or high school campus you can often find a few guys who prefer to make friends with girls, and vice versa -- often because of the ways they prefer to have friendships. More and more, people are picking and choosing what parts of their expected role they want to hold on to, if any. A particularly introverted woman may not want to have friendships that are about anything but shared interests, and this is okay as long as she finds other ways to regulate and process her feelings. Someone else may have a best friend they rely on for emotional support, and many other friendships based on a shared hobby. Finding something that works for you matters more than doing what other people decide is the right way to be healthy.

I want to encourage you to examine how traditional gender roles affect the way you build your friendships. Even if you don't identify as a man or a woman, the existence of these roles and friends who do or don't ascribe to them can have an impact. Someone raised a woman may feel they are expected to do emotional work for all their friends because this is what it means to be a good friend. Their friend may have been raised to see male roles as being preferable, and thus not want to be emotionally close with or show weakness to any of her friends. There are many ways people can respond to expectations, and even the "emotional closeness vs interest focused" dichotomy is overly simplistic and contains many other dynamics within it. But having emotionally close relationships (even just one or two!) is a protective factor for those with lots of life stress. If you find yourself bottling up strong emotions, needing to talk to someone but not feeling like you can reach out, consider opening up to someone a little. It doesn't need to go deep fast -- you can start with how much you hate being stuck in traffic or that you're upset you have to work on a Friday night. And if they respond in a way that feels good? Then, this might be the start of a beautiful friendship.

When To Go To Bed Angry

Popular advice for struggling couples is to never go to bed angry. The thought is, to work on problems when they're fresh, rather than letting them simmer until they explode. While this is great advice for some couples (enough so that some make it a policy or rule within their relationship!) it can add to the tension for others. Why? It may lead to staying up trying to talk through issues when both people would rather be asleep. While it is important to talk about things that come up rather than putting them on the back burner, trying to talk things through when one or both people don't have the energy to do so can make the problem worse, not better.

This isn't just about arguments before bed, either. On the way to dinner with the in laws, while driving up a particularly difficult road, and before work are all times when an argument might feel particularly inopportune. Being able to save something like this for later is an important skill, both for an individual and especially for a couple.

If the thought of doing this makes you anxious or upset, notice that! There may be valid concerns underlying there, and maybe just waiting for a more opportune moment to talk things over isn't the best way of handling this. Does having to wait to bring something up make you feel like you're going to explode? Do you worry that the problem is going to be forgotten about and never discussed? Are you likely to forget all the emotions around the problem in the morning, and undersell yourself? These thoughts and feelings are important to take note of, so don't just push them aside. This is all information that you can use.

Something that might help quell these fears of putting off a discussion is to record your feelings while they're fresh. Any time you put off a discussion for a time when emotions aren't as high, it can feel like you're likely to forget something or sell yourself short. Depending on how you best process information, you can try writing something down in a journal, typing something up in Word, or recording yourself talking into your phone. You can format this like a list of talking points, pretend it's a letter or voicemail to the other person, or just ramble until you have nothing left to say. Later, when it's time to discuss the problem, you can choose to show the other person your recording or writing directly, or read/listen to it yourself and tell them whatever you feel still sticks. It's entirely possible that you'll realize that you completely disagree with your past self, and that's perfectly okay! This is part of the reason why it can be good to put off discussions like this in the first place -- anger and fear can cloud discussing what's really going on.

Getting some distance from an argument can also help in making sure you don't play your normal role. If you're likely to get angry and your partner tends to withdraw in fear, keeping a calm head can help your partner stay engaged during what might otherwise be a rough conversation. Looking back over your thoughts, you may notice somethings that come up when emotions are high, such as blaming, hiding, or defensiveness. Notice what tactics you're prone to using. And next time you and your partner start to argue, see if you can change the normal course of it -- even if that just means talking about it later.

The Universe Inside Your Head

Let's say you are reading a book about people with magical abilities. As a young child, their abilities manifest spontaneously (accidentally breaking something with their mind, flying instead of falling, etc). Then, they are taken away off somewhere to learn to hone their skills. There may be rules to what magic is and is not possible, how magic is done, and what different students can learn. In this book, the main character has the ability to manipulate electricity. They can use this to control anything that operates with electricity remotely, like by turning lights on and off, or they can just shock people. If it is established in the book that no person has more than one ability, you may be surprised if, later on, the main character starts to manipulate water or read minds. This changes the rules of the story.

In the above paragraph, I painted a picture of a universe, giving you rules about how it worked. If I asked you to write a story within the universe, many of you might take care to make sure the story abides by the rules I have provided. This ability to create a universe in your mind is a skill not everyone has, but it is useful beyond just reading stories and writing fanfiction. This same skill can be used to understand people, and even ourselves, better.

To tie this to another example, let's say you are speaking with someone who you just met. This person is an elementary school teacher. Right away, you know quite a few things about this person (they work with kids, get summers off, probably teach during the day and maybe grade papers and plan lessons after school). In the same way that you did with the book, you can use this information to give more detail to this person's universe. Now maybe the person tells you that they also run a summer camp. If you previously assumed that being a teacher meant they had summers off, now you can update the information you have on this person to include that they have a second job they work over the summer. You now have a slightly more detailed picture of what their universe is like.

Though the example above is a relatively simple one, there are lots of ways to gain information that you can use to add detail to someone's universe. Often times we don't even realize we are doing it; assumptions made based on a person's appearance or social media profile aren't always conscious. There are even small things people say and do that we miss, but could otherwise be useful information in understanding the person better. If someone tells you a movie they saw was "too scary", it may not be a fact about the movie, but about their dislike for horror movies, or fears surrounding the topic of the movie.

The perspective we use to analyze other universes is also important, because it determines what we notice and what we don't. When reading books, we may not think much of things that are normal for us, like a 6-year-old going to school for the first time, but notice things that are not true in our universe, like super powers. The more ways a fictional universe is different from our own, the harder it is to keep track of. Imagine how much easier it might be to follow a book about super heroes, rather than a book about aliens and monsters with magic and futuristic weapons! This is part of why we enjoy spending time with and talking with people who think similarly to us. If a friend's universe is similar to yours, it takes less effort to understand who they are and why they do what they do.

If you meet someone whose universe is too different from yours, you may find them hard to relate to. Part of this is because, by default, we use our own universe to look at other universes. A young child who doesn't know the meaning of divorce might have a hard time understanding the experiences of their friend, who spends half their time with Dad and half their time with Mom, but never together. The child may get frustrated if that friend leaves a book they borrowed at Dad's house, then didn't have it when they spent time together after school at Mom's. It can be so easy to judge other people without thinking about whether what happened makes sense in their universe if it doesn't make sense in yours. The child may assume that the friend didn't want to give the book back or was trying to be mean, rather than realize how easy it is to forget something at one house when you have two. Even adults do this all the time, assuming malice or stupidity when we can't understand another's actions. Taking care to understand another person's universe can help prevent this from happening, sometimes drawing attention to parts of your own universe that you take for granted in the process.

As a therapist, this skill is particularly useful. Creating a vivid picture of a client's universe is essential to helping them understand themselves and their relationships with others. If a client identifies with a particular fictional character, for example, they may be better understood if you take care to learn about the character and the story they're in (either by asking the client, or through direct exposure to the story). A child who enjoys imaginative play can be understood through the assumptions they make in their play (like the assumptions about who does what in a game of house). Even clients with compulsions, fears, and delusions can be better understood through those symptoms. Different therapists will prefer different theories and interventions, which means they will each have different ways of gathering information about their clients, but in the end, the therapist who interprets dreams and the therapist who gives their client hypothetical scenarios are both using the information they gather to create a richer, more detailed picture of what that client's universe is like.

Communication and the Desired Response

A friend once told me a story of how an interaction with her mother changed her perspective on communication. She said that she had been going through a break up at the time, and was venting to her mother, when her mother responded with "Do you want my advice, or my sympathy?"

Often times, when we have something important to talk about, we consider how we expect the other person to respond, and talk to people who will respond the kind of way we want. We may choose to speak to someone who we know can keep a secret, or who gives good advice, or who will say nothing at all, only listen. Sometimes we may turn to someone who won't want to talk about it at all, and will instead distract us from our problems. This can be great if you have a number of close friends who reliably respond in different ways, and you are able to predict this and make use of it. However, not everyone is in this situation, and so instead, we end up with interactions where people are not getting their desired responses.

Take an interaction between example-humans Alice and Bob. Alice's goal in the conversation may be to be heard, whereas Bob may want to feel validated for what he says. If Alice is talking, Bob may point out something or make a clever remark. Instead of validating Bob, Alice feels like she hasn't been heard, and is quiet in response. Now Bob has not been validated either, and they are both sad.

Sometimes, a person's desired response can be inferred. This is like how generally, if someone tells a joke, their desired response is for you to laugh, or at least acknowledge that the joke was funny. However, this isn't always easy to tell. Some of us may know the best thing for our best friend in a time of stress, but we don't always know what's right for someone else, even if we are close. Often times we will assume that what works for us will work for them, but then there is a risk of emotional damage. Trying to talk about a situation that someone wants to avoid thinking about may exacerbate the problem or cause tension between two people. Usually, it is better to ask a person what they need -- like how my friend's mother asked her.

Going more deeply, some people may tend to have common desired responses, in general interactions. Think of the person constantly telling bad jokes, excited to hear people groan and laugh, or someone who loves giving advice and recommendations. The first of these two may love the validation they get from humor, whereas the second may want to feel helpful, and be appreciated for it. This goes far deeper than a single situational interaction; these people want these kinds of responses in everyday conversations. This may even tie to how we want others to see us (clever or kind) or how we most enjoy interacting with others (playing with ideas or working with people, receiving attention or giving it). A person's desired response may not always be the response that feels right, or the response that we want to give -- and that's perfectly okay. But it does give us insight into what drives them, what is important to them, and who they are as a person.

How social media can affect your sense of self

When we check social media like Facebook and Instagram too often, we can be inundated with the good parts of peoples' lives. Facebook in particular has an algorithm that results in a news feed that prioritizes things to celebrate, like an engagement, a baby, or a new job. Then, when we scroll down an individual person's page, we see their highlights: how their diet has been, or fun things they do with their friends. What we don't often see, though, is the days they are home alone, in their pajamas, watching Netflix all day. This is especially the case with any friends who we only see online, whether due to distance or time; we only see the parts of their lives that they consider to be worth documenting. And when this happens, we often end up comparing the best parts of their lives to the worst parts of our own.

Social media is developed in such a way to be about building ourselves up. As we share our accomplishments and daily lives with the world, we get responses (likes, comments, reactions). Something as simple as discovering a new restaurant and having friends comment on how delicious the food looks can be a boost of self esteem, even if the same information shared in person wouldn't quite have that strong of a result. Along with insight into our lives, we share insight into our minds: interesting articles, funny pictures, and our thoughts about the world. We may intend to use these to share things we think are important to share (whether for humor or insight or both), but the result is also that it paints a picture of who we are. One particular friend may share lots of politically-charged articles, and that makes your picture of who they are very different from someone else, who shares recipes and DIYs, even if the rest of their content is exactly the same.

Having such insight into who someone is through social media creates an interesting effect; you may know a lot about the person, but that doesn't necessarily mean you are close. For example, you may have read your coworker's posts about all the things their kid says, and even watched videos of their home life, but never quite feel comfortable with them enough to get lunch with them. You may have a friend who you have only met in person once, and have shared incredibly personal things with on chat, but then when you meet them a second time after all these conversations, it feels like there's nothing to talk about. Of course, this isn't true for everybody. For some, it would be easy to find things to talk about with that friend, and no trouble at all to ask that coworker to get lunch together. But usually, the way friendships are formed in person is very different from how they are formed online. The coworker, for example, may know very little about you (despite following and friending each other!), despite how much you know about them.

Part of what's missing here is the humanness that comes with everyday interaction. When in school, you may see your friends everyday, and freely rant about teachers, homework, parents, and other kids at school. You share not only successes, but failures, and places where you need to grow. Online, we portray ourselves as robots, gods, and forces without boundaries. A profile can often read more like a marketing campaign than a human being. It is as if we are trying to disassociate from our own humanness. Recognizing our humanity, and the humanity of others, is important in making the world better, and for so many reasons. Going back to mental health and identity, though, it normalizes suffering. It creates a world where it is okay to lose sometimes, and where someone can feel sad without that sadness becoming a part of who they are. There are ways to do this in online communities. I know people who have created secret Facebook groups for close friends to share painful day-to-day moments, so they can receive support, or who have joined forums so they can hear from people with similar life experiences. But it takes initiative, as well as courage, just as it does in real life.

Why therapy?

"Perhaps love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself."

~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery

It seems only fitting to start this blog with an explanation for its title. This quote has always rung true with me, but it is only recently that I have realized its connection to my work. The self is the source of much mystery and turmoil, as we often find through media, philosophy, and literature. It is often difficult to balance a full understanding of ourselves with deep and meaningful relationships with others. This can cause problems when we turn to friends and family for advice or support. The people we know may be invested in our lives enough to have preferences, like a parent who wants their kid to go to college close to home. Even if they are unaware of it, they may have ideas of who we are, which sway the kinds of advice they give us. Or maybe they are so stuck in their own lives, including their personal beliefs and what has or has not worked for them, that it becomes hard to grasp the idea that someone else may experience things differently. In a world where everyone has an opinion, it is often hard to find someone truly unbiased.

When somebody asks me about the difference between therapy and friendship, this sense of investment and opinion is the first thing I bring up. Therapists often use the metaphor of the copilot; a good therapist will neither drive your car nor tell you where to go, but simply show you the way. While this metaphor is a good one, it feels detached. Many theorists will tell you that the key to good therapy is not in the technique, but in the therapeutic relationship. The process of doing so is called many different things by different theoretical models (joining, establishing rapport, or alliance), and will also look very different from client to client, but the idea is the same: a therapist and client must establish a connection before any deeper work can be done. This connection is based in trust and openness, as well as a consensus on goals. If a client and therapist disagree on goals, it is like a copilot pointing in one direction, while the pilot wants to go in the other. Chances are, neither person will get there.

Thinking of the journey a client takes in therapy, it always ends in the self. They come in usually with goals they have settled on, intending on making their lives better. The therapist then must use tools that suit the client to meet those goals. In the same way that we do not ask butterflies to swim or turtles to fly, a therapist cannot ask a client to fit into a box so that their techniques may work. The therapy must suit the client. This is how a good therapist will lead you, gently, back to yourself.